He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's get the cat blown out
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
