Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
