I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
