im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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