I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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