I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
