I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
