Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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