Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
