Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Come on in and take your pants off
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