he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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