How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
