What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize