Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Fuck appropriateness.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
