I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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