just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
