I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
