Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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