That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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