I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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