you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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