I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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