Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
