Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
