He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I checked into jail on foursquare
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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