last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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