If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
