i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize