did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
