If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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