We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
