uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
