Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
