I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
