I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
