Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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