How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
