I am spending my child support on dildos
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
