Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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