planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
