I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
