if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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