Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
