There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
