In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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