I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
