Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
