I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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