dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
