I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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