i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
