the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize