I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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