She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize