Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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