I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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