Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
