i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Mom said you looked used
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
