I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Randomize
