Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
