Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
