whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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