his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
