we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
