Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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