So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
